YouTube Community contributions going away soon — They will be discontinued across all channels after September 28, 2020

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YouTube Community contributions going away soon — They will be discontinued across all channels after September 28, 2020

Unread post by 3ICE »

Community contributions allowed viewers to add closed captions, subtitles, and title/descriptions to videos. This feature was rarely used and had problems with spam/abuse so we’re removing them to focus on other creator tools. You can still use your own captions, automatic captions, and third-party tools and services. You have until September 28, 2020 to publish your community contributions before they’re removed.

Well, fuck.
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Re: YouTube Community contributions going away soon — They will be discontinued across all channels after September 28,

Unread post by 3ICE »

This piece of news gives me a chance (and the much needed motivation) to go through all the abandoned contributions. Anything published is safe (I assume), but many channels don't give a shit about users submitting subtitles. Here's a few examples of my work:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HarVCLNwEOk
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Rad Talkin' Wolfthorn | Old Spice
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Credit my contribution.



0:02.6
Old Spice...
0:02.7

0:04.7
Oh come on...
give me a break [sigh]
0:05.1

0:07.8
That's supposed to sell deodorant?
0:07.8

0:09.7
Talk about something real, like the
0:10.0

0:12.3
smooth sophisticated scent of Old Spice
0:12.6

0:13.5
[inaudible] Old Spice
0:15.5

0:18.0
Rad Talkin' Wolfthorn
0:18.5

0:21.6
He's a rad dude with a fresh attitude
0:22.1

0:28.7
Rad Talkin' Wolfthorn
Motorcycles and stuff cuz he's really tough
0:28.9

0:32.9
The face of a wolf and hygiene of a man
0:33.9

0:38.9
This is the extent of our marketing pla-a-a-an
0:38.9

0:42.8
Rad Talkin', he's Rad Talkin' Wolfthorn!
0:43.4

0:44.9
Wazzup bitch!?
0:46.9

0:49.4
Follow Old Spice on Instagram!
0:50.5

0:51.9
School's not that bad...
0:53.8

0:55.7
Don't forget to like and subscribe!
0:56.6

0:59.8
Rad Talkin' Wolthorn...
0:59.8

1:01.5
... was a bad idea!
1:01.7

1:04.4
♫ Old Spice Whistle ♫
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Re: YouTube Community contributions going away soon — They will be discontinued across all channels after September 28,

Unread post by 3ICE »

The community has been working on this content. Everything look good? If not, feel free to edit or ask the community to make improvements.
The community has updated this content. You're now seeing the latest proposed version.


All these minor improvements will be lost next month!



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English (United Kingdom) to English Switch languageHow to Care for Your Introvert
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How to Care for Your Introvert


0:00 / 4:27

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0:00.0

0:02.2
One of the main differences between introverts and extroverts
One of the main differences between introverts and
0:02.3

0:04.7
is that extroverts get their energy from hanging out with other people,
extroverts, is that extroverts get their energy from
0:04.9

0:05.7
hanging out with other people,
0:05.7

0:08.3
where as introverts...
whereas introverts...aren't mentally ill.
0:08.3

0:11.8
Aren't mentally ill.
Now, if you're looking to get an introvert,you can either adopt a baby one,
0:11.8

0:12.8
you can either adopt a baby one, known as a shylet
known as a "Shylet"
0:12.8

0:14.9
Or rescue an adult from an introvert shelter
Or rescue an adult from an introvert shelter.
0:14.9

0:16.7
generally referred to as a library
Generally referred to as a "Library".
0:16.7

0:21.0
Upon arrival show your new introvert the location of the litter tray,
On arriving home, show your new introvert the location of the litter tray, the feeding bowl,
0:21.0

0:23.9
and any windows it can jump out of in case the door bell rings.
and any windows it can jump out of in case the doorbell rings.
0:23.9

0:25.9
A pair of introverts is called awkward
A pair of introverts is called an "Awkward"
0:25.9

0:28.1
A group of introverts is called an angst
A group of introverts is called an "Angst"
0:28.1

0:30.1
They are generally never found together in the wild
They are generally never found together in the wild
0:30.1

0:31.2
except by accident
except by accident
0:31.2

0:36.7
In which case, will apologize for making eye contact nod politely
in which case they will apologize for making eye-contact, nod politely, then run screaming in opposite directions.
0:36.7

0:40.5
then run screaming in opposite directions
Contrary to popular belief, introverts don't dislike human company
0:41.6

0:43.5
They just utterly despise it
0:43.5

0:46.0
Interaction with introverts can be problematic
Interaction with introverts can be problematic
0:46.0

0:47.9
A typical conversation might run:
A typical conversation might run:
0:47.9

0:48.9
Extrovert: Hi
0:48.9

0:49.9
Introvert: Helloooo
0:49.9

0:51.4
Extrovert: How's it going?
0:51.6

0:52.7
Introvert: Yes.
0:53.1

0:53.6
FUCK-
Introvert: (F**k!)
0:53.6

0:54.8
Extrovert:What?
0:54.8

0:59.1
Introvert: Haha, how about that much anticipated sports match last night eh?
0:59.9

1:00.6
Extrovert: What?
1:00.8

1:01.3
F U C K-
Introvert: FU...!
1:01.3

1:04.6
Introvert: Stuff over here to do a bit now, better runaroo
1:05.6

1:06.1
Extrovert: What?
1:06.6

1:07.9
Introvert: Mmmnnnnnnne-eeeeaaaaaaaa
1:10.0

1:10.5
Extrovert: What?
1:10.9

1:11.4
F U C K
Introvert: F**k...!
1:11.4

1:15.0
Introvertion itself probably results from a genetic mutation
Introversion itself probably results from a genetic mutation
1:15.0

1:17.9
In fact, introverts' DNA are often oriented in parallel lives
In fact, introvert DNA is oriented in parallel lines,
1:17.9

1:20.4
As the two change to embarrass each other
As the two chains are too embarrassed to twist around on each other.
1:20.4

1:22.6
to an enlarged sorrybellum and a malformed anxietal lobe
This leads to an enlarged "Sorrybellum"
1:22.6

1:24.5
and a malformed "Anxietal Lobe".
1:24.5

1:27.3
However, introverts make for excellent fighting fighting animals
However, introverts make for excellent fighting animals.
1:27.3

1:29.8
They will level up from occasional reader to social hermit
They will level up from Occasional Reader, to Social Hermit,
1:29.8

1:34.1
then with enough experience will evolve into their final form:
then with enough experience evolve into their final form, Professional EVE: Online Player.
1:34.1

1:36.7
professional EVE Online player
The introvert class comes with a low-maintenance cost,
1:36.7

1:38.8
but extremely high embarrassment risk
but extremely high embarrassment risk.
1:38.8

1:42.0
Against extroverts, they can use "retreat to toilet" move to recover HP
Against extroverts, they can use the "Retreat to Toilet" move,
1:42.0

1:43.0
to recover HP
1:45.8

1:48.0
Deploy the "agreeable conversation" defence block
Deploy the "Agreeable Conversation" defense block
1:50.4

1:53.2
but it's totally useless against the "direct eye contact" attack.
but are totally useless against the "Direct Eye-Contact" attack.
1:53.6

1:54.8
*shhoooweee..!!*
1:55.0

1:56.8
If you want to reward your introvert, why not treat it to:
*blip bloop 8 bit-noises*
1:57.3

1:59.7
If you want to reward your introvert, why not treat it to,
1:59.7

2:00.8
A colorful toy,
2:01.1

2:01.9
A tummy rub,
2:01.9

2:04.6
Not forcing it to talk publicly about its emotions ever,
2:04.9

2:07.2
And not forcing it to talk publicly about its emotions,
2:07.3

2:08.4
Mistreating your introvert may prompt a visit from the antisocial services
F**king ever.
2:08.6

2:11.8
Mistreating your introvert may prompt a visit from the "Antisocial Services"
2:11.9

2:15.6
So try to avoid
So try to avoid: belittling your introvert in front of its friends,
2:15.9

2:17.5
Manhandling the first editions of books,
2:17.8

2:19.3
Talking s**t about Kurt Vonnegut,
2:19.7

2:21.9
Or, insisting on phoning, rather than texting.
2:22.3

2:23.3
*vrrrrrrrm* (vibrating samsung phone)
2:24.4

2:25.3
*vrrrrrrrm* (vibrating samsung phone)
2:25.6

2:26.6
(Introvert God hammer:) *bang* *bang* *bang*
2:28.8

2:29.3
rwrwrwrrrrwrrrw
*vibrate*
2:29.3

2:29.9
**Unintelligible introvert grunting / defense calls**
2:29.9

2:30.5
*HAMMER MASHING*
2:30.7

2:32.5
failure to observe the instructions
Failure to observe these instructions
2:32.5

2:34.1
may result in your introvert exhibiting extremely backhanded compliments,
May result in your introvert exhibiting
2:34.1

2:35.9
A lack of polite signoffs at the end of emails
extremely backhanded compliments,
2:35.9

2:38.1
or serving your tea only lukewarm, and it tasting suspiciously like piss.
a lack of polite sign-offs at the end of e-mails,
2:38.4

2:40.0
or serving your tea only lukewarm
2:40.1

2:42.1
Like most humans, introverts do have romantic tendencies
and it tasting suspiciously like piss.
2:42.4

2:45.3
Like most humans, introverts do have romantic tendencies,
2:45.4

2:47.6
Generally the mating call goes like this:
Generally, the mating call goes something like:
2:47.8

2:50.6
Introvert: Sorry I... don't mean to interrupt but... is someone sitting here?
2:50.7

2:51.2
No?
2:51.3

2:51.8
Ah..
2:51.8

2:52.3
Hmmm....
2:52.3

2:54.3
Actually, I... I think I left the gas on. *Heeeuuuuuuuu* (Chokes up)
2:54.5

2:55.3
"GOODBYE FOREVER" (choking)
2:55.6

2:57.1
Directness can also be an issue
Directness can also be an issue.
2:57.3

3:00.4
How's it going? Generally equates to: I find you very attractive.
3:00.5

3:03.1
Hope to see you again = I'm falling quite madly in love
3:03.3

3:06.1
And, "I think about you occasionally", translates as:
3:06.2

3:10.1
Dating an introvert can be quite the experience
"I would literally remove my ears with a rusty spoon just to see you with your socks off."
3:10.3

3:12.6
Dating an introvert can be quite an experience
3:12.8

3:16.6
A romantic evening consists of two of you having a glass of wine and reading a book a book together
A romantic evening might consist of the two of you having a glass of wine and reading a book together,
3:16.7

3:20.3
separated by only being in different countries and communicating in no way whatsoever
separated only by being in different countries, and communicating in no way whatsoever.
3:20.7

3:22.0
If you get tired of your introvert, no need to palm it off on a friend: simply disconnect your router
If you grow tired of your introvert,
3:22.3

3:23.8
No need to pawn it off on a friend
3:23.9

3:27.3
or suggest that it might have offended someone slightly and it will quietly run away in the night
Simply disconnect the router, or suggest that it might've offended someone slightly,
3:27.5

3:29.1
and it will quietly run away in the night.
3:29.3

3:31.7
Owners do occasionally come to resemble their pets
Owners do occasionally come to resemble their pets.
3:31.9

3:34.5
You, yourself might be an introvert without realising if you
You yourself might be an introvert without realizing, if you:
3:34.7

3:37.4
Find yourself mentally exhausted after hanging out with people,
3:37.4

3:38.3
Even those you like,
3:38.5

3:40.7
Enjoy dining or going to the movies alone,
3:40.9

3:43.6
Go to leave your apartment, notice your neighbor is out in the hallway,
3:43.6

3:46.0
Then suddenly grow convinced that you need to go back inside to do some
3:46.2

3:47.3
"Important Stuff"
3:47.7

3:50.8
or utilise a ten grade system in your head on how the conversation is going so far
Consider small talk the verbal equivalent of integral calculus
3:51.0

3:54.9
Or utilize a ten-point grading system in your head for how the conversation is going so far.
3:56.1

3:56.9
...with the postman
With the Postman.
3:57.2

4:00.9
In any case though, if you're looking for a pet that isn't constantly defacing the furniture
In any case though, if you're looking for a pet that isn't constantly defacing the furniture,
4:01.1

4:02.4
or trying to murder you in your sleep
Or trying to murder you in your sleep,
4:02.5

4:03.6
why not get an introvert?
Why not get an introvert?
4:03.8

4:06.7
Not as good as dogs, but much less likely to piss everywhere.
4:07.0

4:07.5
Bye
Bye.
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Re: YouTube Community contributions going away soon — They will be discontinued across all channels after September 28,

Unread post by 3ICE »

Thanks for your contribution
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English (United Kingdom) to English Switch languageWheel of Future History
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Are you worried about the future?
Wheel of Future History


0:00 / 8:43

Are you worried about the future?
Are you concerned for your species' survival?
Are your tentacles lacking wetness, or even chapping slightly?
Well for the last one, try Octo-moist.
Octo-moist.
Moistness when it matters.
Pause video while typing
Actions
0:00.0

0:01.5
Are you worried about the future?
Are you worried about the future?
0:01.5

0:03.8
Are you concerned for your species' survival?
Are you concerned for your species' survival?
0:03.8

0:07.6
Are your tentacle lacking wetness, or even chapping slightly?
Are your tentacles lacking wetness, or even chapping slightly?
0:07.6

0:09.2
Well, for the last one, try Octo-Moist!
Well for the last one, try Octo-moist.
0:09.6

0:10.6
Octo-Moist ™
Octo-moist.
0:10.6

0:12.6
Moistness when it matters.
Moistness when it matters.
0:12.6

0:14.5
[Do-du-du-du, DU-DU-DU.]
*octo-jingle plays*
0:14.5

0:16.0
Not suitable for Heptopods.
Not suitable for heptapods.
0:16.1

0:19.2
For the first two, though, well, it's time to play another game of
For the first two though, well, it's time to play another game of...
0:19.3

0:20.9
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel
0:20.9

0:22.0
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL of future history!
of Future History.
0:22.0

0:23.8
Our next contestant today is called--
Our next contestant today is called-
0:23.8

0:24.9
[Off-Microphone] The fuck are they called!?
*aside* fuck are they called?
0:24.9

0:28.6
Ah, yes;
Ah yes, Hu-mans. Yes, well, come on up then, don't be shy.
0:29.1

0:31.4
Well, come on up then, don't be shy!
Yes, big hand for the Monkeys. Big hand.
0:32.3

0:34.3
YES, THAT'S ENOUGH, SHUTUP!
Yes, that's enough, shut up.
0:34.3

0:35.5
Right,
Right, hu-mans.
0:35.5

0:37.1
You know the rules of the game, do you?
You know the rules of the game do you?
0:37.1

0:38.5
No?
No? Well the main aim of
0:38.6

0:39.6
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeel
0:39.6

0:41.6
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL of future history
of Future History is...
0:41.6

0:43.9
Is
Not to go extinct as a species.
0:43.9

0:47.4
Your species,
Your species, well, let's just say things are about to get a little bit bumpy.
0:47.4

0:50.0
Now, Margery here--
Now Margery here- MARGERY WAKE UP YOU LEPTON
0:50.8

0:55.1
[Eye Squeeze]
Is going to give the wheel of Future History a spin and find out where the human species is going.
0:55.1

0:56.1
to find out where the human species is going.
Could be amazing.
0:56.1

0:58.8
Could be amazing,
Could be mega shit. So let's see what you could end up winning.
0:58.8

1:00.9
so let's see what you could end up winning.
Well firstly there are the utopias
1:00.9

1:03.2
Well, firstly, there are the Utopias.
They come in several flavors, there is:
1:03.5

1:10.4
Technological Utopia.
Technological utopia. You might master automation, relieving all humans of labor jobs, banishing any need for human employment allowing your species to,
1:10.7

1:12.5
allowing your species to,
well, pursue whatever they want to.
1:12.5

1:16.7
Robotics and algorithms will tend to almost all unwanted work
Robotics and algorithms will tend to almost all unwanted work and facilitate blissful daily living.
1:16.7

1:18.9
and facilitate blissful daily living.
Since there'll be no scarcity there will be almost no conflict
1:18.9

1:23.3
Since there will be no scarcity there will be almost no conflict,
Meaning war vanishes, and humans live perpetually in peace forevermore mostly eating nice food,
1:23.3

1:25.6
Mostly eating nice food,
Reproducing very loudly, and having a jolly old time.
1:26.3

1:29.0
"OKAY,"
Okay, I hear you ask. But will there be dogs?
1:30.4

1:31.5
Yes.
Yes. There will.
1:31.5

1:38.1
There will.
There's also AI utopia. machine intelligence is able to assist if not take over a number of human projects including science, design,
1:38.1

1:41.5
administration
administration, and diplomacy. And streamlines and improves each area respectively,
1:41.5

1:44.5
streamlines and improves each are respectively,
and radically raises the general global standard of human living for all-
1:44.5

1:46.0
and radically raises the general global standard of human living for all of--
and no Skynet shit.
1:46.1

1:51.4
There's also
There's also scientific utopia: aging is treated as an illness and cured. Disease has also been eradicated
1:51.4

1:57.3
disease has also been eradicated.
Death has become voluntary, particle physics is finished, and a successful theory of everything unites general relativity and quantum mechanics
1:57.3

2:02.3
unites General Relativity and Quantum Mechanics.
(called string theory). The origin of biology is understood. Toast no longer falls butter side down
2:02.4

2:04.3
toast no longer falls butter side down,
Consciousness is explained scientifically.
2:04.3

2:09.7
consciousness is explained scientifically,
The mechanisms of reality itself are now out in the open, and your race is no longer a bumbling pack of confused idiots.
2:09.7

2:10.8
Nnnnno offense!
No offense.
2:10.8

2:14.3
Then there's Ecological Utopia,
Then there's ecological utopia: your species begins living in harmony with nature,
2:14.4

2:19.3
Your species begins living in harmony with nature,
Stops being dicks to the planet, and returns to a subsistence way of living in conjunction with high technology.
2:19.3

2:21.6
Insdustry still exists but is entirely sustainable,
Industry still exists but is entirely sustainable,
2:21.6

2:24.1
and Mother Nature is allowed to reassert Her sovereignty over the planet.
And Mother Nature is allowed to reassert her sovereignty over the planet.
2:24.1

2:25.3
Everything is kind of organic,
Everything is kind of organic
2:25.3

2:27.8
but not shit and hipster-y;
But not shit and hipstery, just... nice
2:28.2

2:33.6
Political Utopia.
Political utopia: political conflict is rendered pointless and citizens never have to worry about their offspring ending up in Wars
2:33.8

2:39.1
and Citizens never have to worry about their offspring ending up in wars.
Governments are able to put their energy and influence into improving the welfare of their own citizens and the world goes full-on Scandinavian
2:39.6

2:40.2
Oh, yeah, cake is free all the time and also there are dogs.
Oh, yeah
2:40.3

2:42.3
Cake is free all the time and also there are dogs.
2:42.3

2:43.9
And finally, the main prize;
And finally the main prize,
2:43.9

2:45.6
Galactic Utopia.
Galactic utopia.
2:45.6

2:47.7
You begin colonizing other planets in the solar system,
You begin colonizing other planets in the solar system
2:47.7

2:51.5
and maybe even perfect faster-than-light travel.
And maybe even perfect faster-than-light travel and colonize other star systems, too.
2:51.6

2:55.3
And colonise other star systems too.
Even if there's an extinction event on your home planet, your race will now survive indefinitely
2:55.3

2:59.8
your race will now survive indefinitely,
Up until all cosmic resources run out or you reverse cosmic entropy itself.
2:59.8

3:02.4
The golden age of trade and cooperation dawns,
The golden age of trade and cooperation dawns,
3:02.5

3:07.5
as well as exploration of the known and unknown Universe,
As well as exploration of the known and unknown universe, and humanity is unified into a single great empire.
3:07.5

3:10.0
and Humanity is unified into a single great empire.
Humans finally take their rightful place in the heavens,
3:10.0

3:13.5
utilizing entire Galaxies for energy,
utilizing entire galaxies for energy to fuel their godlike projects.
3:13.5

3:16.0
to fuel their godlike projects.
Knowledge and wisdom guide your civilization forever more,
3:16.0

3:20.9
Knowledge and wisdom guides your civilization forevermore,
Petty squabbles are a thing of the past, the very cosmos itself revels in your success.
3:25.3

3:27.9
[Uplifting Orchestral Music]
It goes without saying that there's free cake and dogs and stuff.
3:27.9

3:31.0
It goes without saying that there's free cake and dogs and stuff.
But, for every utopia there is of course a dystopia
3:31.0

3:33.7
a Dystopia.
And if you bollocks up the future you might instead get
3:34.2

3:40.7
[Sad Music] Technological Dystopia
Technological dystopia: technology is instead used for controlling populations including constant surveillance and mass misinformation.
3:40.7

3:43.1
including constant surveillance and mass missinformation.
No, one is considered an authority on anything anymore.
3:43.1

3:48.5
Noone is considered an authority on anything anymore,
Possibly humans are genetically engineered in such a way that they cease to be human or most of their functions are outperformed by machines.
3:48.7

3:53.9
Humans are obsolete,
Humans are obsolete and miserable and technology serves to enslave rather than liberate your species.
3:54.0

4:00.1
AI Dystopia.
AI dystopia: Artificial intelligence either commandeers or subverts human history and does not have the species best interests at heart,
4:00.1

4:07.5
does not have the species' best interests at heart,
Or is too powerful with not enough safety parameters. In short, everything is either miserable or thermonuclear and game over for the entire species.
4:08.4

4:14.7
Ecological Utopia.
Ecological dystopia: you mess up the planet to the point of no return, over fish the oceans, ruin the atmosphere, etc.
4:14.7

4:20.1
etc. (et-eh-cuh, et-eh-cuh.)
Earth is no longer capable of supporting mammalian life, and extinction ensues for your entire species.
4:20.4

4:25.9
Political Dystopia.
Political dystopia: either earth becomes united by a single tyrannical government or most governments turn tyrannical.
4:25.9

4:31.8
or m ost governments turn tyrannical,
But in any case, it's horrific, and politicking has been perfected to such an extent that no one can effectively rise up against it.
4:31.8

4:37.7
Possible lasting famine,
Possible lasting famine, enslavement, utter depravity and ruin for the species with no hope of recovery.
4:37.7

4:39.5
Or the non-galactic scenario.
Or the non galactic scenario:
4:39.6

4:43.0
Humans never bother with reaching other planets,
Humans never bothered with reaching other planets let alone the rest of the galaxy.
4:43.0

4:46.4
A single mass extinction means total obliteration for silly monkeys,
A single mass extinction means total obliteration for silly petrol monkeys,
4:46.4

4:48.9
and a human space-empire is never constructed.
and a human space Empire is never constructed.
4:49.3

4:51.9
Mankind goes gentle into that good night.
Mankind goes gentle into that good night.
4:51.9

4:53.6
Wild animals reclaim the cities,
Wild animals reclaim the cities,
4:53.6

4:56.6
satelites fall back to Earth,
Satellites fall back to earth, and within a few thousand years,
4:56.6

5:02.6
passing extraterrestials wouldn't even have an inkling your species ever existed,
Passing extraterrestrials wouldn't even have an inkling your species ever existed, let alone flourished for a time.
5:03.4

5:05.7
And there are a few other scenarios, of course.
And there are a few other scenarios of course.
5:05.7

5:08.2
[Orchestral music] Maybe you merge with technology to become a cyber species,
Maybe you merge with technology to become a cyber species
5:08.2

5:10.1
or there's a Nickelback Revival Tour,
Or there's a Nickleback revival tour,
5:10.1

5:13.2
or Political Collapse returning you to the dark ages and never recovering,
Or political collapse returning you to the dark ages and never recovering,
5:13.2

5:18.1
or you use genetics to elevate other species to the level of human sentience,
Or you use genetics to elevate other species to the level of human sentience and immediately regret that decision,
5:18.2

5:20.3
and immediately regret that decision;
(Dolphins fucking hate you by the way.)
5:20.3

5:25.3
[Music resumes]
Or you create simulated reality that's so convincing and malleable, humans mostly lose interest in actual reality
5:25.5

5:27.3
Assuming this is actual reality.
Assuming this is actual reality.
5:27.3

5:30.7
Or you reach the end of technology
Or you reach the end of Technology and find out the lots of stuff just isn't possible,
5:30.7

5:33.2
And instead stay content with free cake
And instead stay content with free cake, and dogs and stuff,
5:33.9

5:35.1
Which is alright.
Which is alright.
5:35.1

5:39.6
Or one of ten million other disaster scenarios;
Or one of 10 million other disaster scenarios. Economic, political, technological, whatever.
5:39.6

5:42.6
whatever,
Meaning the obliteration of your species.
5:42.6

5:45.5
And that is the
And that is the wheeeeeel of future history.
5:45.5

5:47.4
And those are the rules.
And those are the rules.
5:47.4

5:49.4
So how do you go about winning, then?
So how do you go about winning, then?
5:50.0

5:52.7
Well,
Well, that's a bit more complicated.
5:52.7

5:58.8
[Slow, uplifting Music]
[1812 Overture]
If you can wield technology your ancestors never dreamt of and use that power in a way they would be proud
5:58.8

6:02.7
If you can utilize your birth planet without destroying it,
If you can utilize your birth planet without destroying it, yet still take all that you need;
6:02.9

6:05.5
yet still take all that you need.
If you can kill labor without killing ambition;
6:05.5

6:08.4
If you can create administrations without giving birth to tyranny.
If you can create administrations without giving birth to tyranny;
6:08.4

6:11.2
If you can think as a collective without losing individuality.
If you can think as a collective without losing individuality;
6:11.2

6:14.1
If you can expand your reach, without diminishing your integrity.
If you can expand your reach without diminishing your integrity;
6:14.3

6:18.0
If you can unravel nature, without thinking yourself smarter than her.
If you can unravel nature without thinking yourself smarter than her;
6:18.0

6:20.3
If you can tame the elements without subverting them.
If you can tame the elements without subverting them;
6:20.3

6:24.6
If you can build your homes on distant Worlds, while still taking care of the home you evolved on.
If you can build your homes on distant worlds while still taking care of the home you evolved on;
6:24.8

6:28.8
If you can safeguard for future generations, without forgetting those who came before.
If you can safeguard for future generations without forgetting those who came before;
6:29.0

6:33.0
If you can accept your violent past while still fostering your galactic future.
If you can accept your violent pasts while still fostering your galactic future;
6:33.0

6:36.9
If you can spread across the stars, without your empire spreading too thin.
If you can spread across the Stars without your empire spreading too thin;
6:37.1

6:40.7
If you can take to the galactic stage without forgetting your lines,
If you can take to the Galactic stage without forgetting your lines;
6:40.7

6:43.8
then yours is the Cosmos, and Everything that's in it.
Then yours is the cosmos, and everything that's in it.
6:45.0

6:46.7
And more than that,
And more than that,
6:47.6

6:50.1
then you'll be a Mankind, my son.
Then you'll be a mankind my son.
6:50.5

6:52.2
Then you'll be a Mankind.
Then you'll be a mankind.
6:55.1

6:56.7
Well,
Well, it's time.
6:56.7

6:58.7
Margery,
Marjorie, spin the wheel please.
6:59.0

7:04.0
So,
So good luck. It's been an absolute pleasure watching you develop as a species, I guess.
7:04.0

7:05.2
I guess.
And you know petrol monkeys,
7:05.2

7:10.5
And y'now, monkeys, you've done some pretty stupid shit over the years
You've done some pretty stupid shit over the years, but there is cause for optimism. Because despite all of your idiocy,
7:10.7

7:13.8
Because despite all of your idiocy,
you've still somehow managed to find the time for...
7:19.6

7:20.4
[WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL starts Wheeling]
Exploration,
7:20.4

7:21.0
Exploration,
science,
7:21.0

7:21.7
Science,
technology,
7:21.7

7:22.5
Technology,
culture,
7:22.5

7:23.3
Culture,
civilization,
7:23.3

7:24.2
Civilization,
philanthropy,
7:24.2

7:24.8
Philanthropy,
fiction,
7:24.8

7:25.5
Fiction,
genius,
7:25.5

7:26.3
Genius,
collaboration,
7:26.3

7:27.0
Collaboration,
language,
7:27.0

7:27.5
Language,
the arts,
7:27.5

7:28.1
The Arts,
endeavor,
7:28.1

7:28.9
Endeavour,
curiosity,
7:28.9

7:29.7
Curiosity,
daring,
7:29.7

7:31.4
Daring,
persistence, and rationality.
7:31.4

7:34.4
Look;
Look, you've survived hundreds of thousands of generations, yeah?
7:34.4

7:37.7
Yeah?
Famine, drought, and war. And you've got a global civilization now.
7:37.7

7:41.6
You got a global civilization now.
You might be living on other planets in no time, or cracking the really big secrets of nature,
7:41.6

7:43.9
or cracking the really big secrets of Nature,
Or just getting over all your monkey rubbish and having a good time.
7:43.9

7:49.5
or just getting over all of your monkey rubbish and having a good time.
You're gonna feel mighty silly if you screw it all up because you got too clever, or too fighty, or too apathetic.
7:49.5

7:52.5
What do you think those are!?
What do you think those are? They're not window dressing, they're an invitation.
7:52.5

7:55.0
they're an invitation,
But you have to behave yourself until you get there, all right?
7:55.0

7:59.8
For the sake of everyone who came before,
For the sake of everyone who came before and everyone who will come after, there may not be another chance now.
7:59.9

8:01.7
there may not be Another chance now.
Don't fuck it up, monkeys.
8:01.7

8:04.3
Not before you conquer your primitive tendencies;
Not before you conquer your primitive tendencies,
8:04.3

8:06.2
Not before you spread out into space;
Not before you spread out into space,
8:06.2

8:07.3
or at the very least,
Or at the very least,
8:07.4

8:11.8
not before all your great ambitions
Not before all your great ambitions have finally run dry.
8:20.2

8:23.2
And speaking of dryness
And speaking of dryness, Wheel of Future History is proudly sponsored by octo-moi-
8:23.2

8:23.8
Wheel Of Future History is proudly sponsored by Octo-Moist
*cuts off*
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Wheel of Future History


0:00 / 8:43

Are you worried about the future?
Are you concerned for your species' survival?
Are your tentacles lacking wetness, or even chapping slightly?
Well, for the last one, try Octo-Moist!

Octo-Moist ™
Moistness when it matters.
Pause video while typing
Actions
0:00.2

0:01.7
Are you worried about the future?
0:01.9

0:03.8
Are you concerned for your species' survival?
0:04.1

0:07.1
Are your tentacles lacking wetness, or even chapping slightly?
0:07.5

0:08.8
Well, for the last one, try Octo-Moist!
0:09.0

0:09.5

0:09.7

0:10.9
Octo-Moist ™
0:10.9

0:12.4
Moistness when it matters.
0:12.6

0:14.4
[Do-du-du-du, DU-DU-DU.]
0:14.7

0:16.3
Not suitable for Heptopods.
0:16.5

0:19.3
For the first two, though, well, it's time to play another game of
0:19.4

0:20.9
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
0:21.0

0:21.7
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL of future history!
0:21.7

0:23.6
Our next contestant today is called--
0:23.8

0:25.0
[Off-Microphone] The fuck are they called!?
0:25.0

0:25.5
Ah, yes;
0:25.6

0:26.8
HU-MANS.
0:26.8

0:27.3
Yes;
0:27.3

0:29.2
Well, come on up then, don't be shy!
0:29.2

0:29.8
Yes;
0:30.0

0:32.0
Big hand for the monkeys; big hand
0:32.7

0:34.3
YES, THAT'S ENOUGH, SHUTUP!
0:34.3

0:34.8
Right,
0:34.8

0:35.5
HU-MANS,
0:35.5

0:37.0
You know the rules of the game, do you?
0:37.0

0:37.6
No?
0:37.7

0:38.3
Well the main aim of
0:38.5

0:40.0
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
0:40.0

0:40.9
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL of future history
0:40.9

0:41.7
Is
0:41.7

0:43.7
[Sad Piano] Not to go extinct as a species.
0:43.9

0:44.9
Your species,
0:44.9

0:47.3
well, let's just say things are about to get a little bit bumpy.
0:47.3

0:48.6
Now, Margery here--
0:48.9

0:50.4
MARGERY WAKE YOU LEPTON
0:50.4

0:50.9
[Eye Squeeze]
0:51.1

0:51.9
Is going to give the
0:51.9

0:52.4
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
0:52.4

0:53.4
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL of future history a spin
0:53.4

0:55.2
to find out where the human species is going.
0:55.3

0:56.2
Could be amazing,
0:56.4

0:57.3
coud be mega-shit,
0:57.3

0:59.1
so let's see what you could end up winning.
0:59.3

1:01.0
Well, firstly, there are the Utopias.
1:01.1

1:02.6
They come in several flavours,
1:02.6

1:03.2
there is
1:03.6

1:05.0
Technological Utopia.
1:05.0

1:07.7
You might master automation, relieving all humans of labor jobs,
1:07.7

1:09.4
banishing any need for human employment,
1:09.4

1:10.8
allowing your species to,
1:10.9

1:11.4
well,
1:11.4

1:12.4
pursue whatever they want to.
1:12.7

1:15.1
Robotics and algorithms will tend to almost all unwanted work
1:15.1

1:16.7
and facilitate blissful daily living.
1:16.7

1:19.0
Since there will be no scarcity there will be almost no conflict,
1:19.0

1:20.2
meaning war vanishes
1:20.2

1:22.1
and humans live perpetually in peace forevermore.
1:22.2

1:23.5
Mostly eating nice food,
1:23.5

1:24.7
reproducing very loudly
1:24.7

1:26.3
and having a Jolly ol' time.
1:26.3

1:27.0
"OKAY,"
1:27.1

1:28.0
I hear you ask,
1:28.1

1:29.5
"but will there be dogs?"
1:30.7

1:31.2
Yes.
1:31.2

1:31.9
There will.
1:31.9

1:33.4
There's also AI Utopia:
1:33.4

1:34.9
Machine intelligence is able to assist,
1:34.9

1:35.4
if not take over
1:35.4

1:36.7
a number of human projects,
1:36.8

1:37.4
including science,
1:37.5

1:38.0
design,
1:38.1

1:38.7
administration
1:38.8

1:39.9
and diplomacy,
1:39.9

1:41.7
streamlines and improves each area respectively,
1:41.7

1:44.5
and radically raises the general global standard of human living for all of--
1:44.5

1:45.9
AND NO SKYNET-SHIT.
1:46.2

1:46.9
There's also
1:47.0

1:48.1
Scientific Utopia
1:48.1

1:49.9
Aging is treated as an illness and cured,
1:50.2

1:51.7
disease has also been eradicated.
1:51.7

1:52.9
Death has become voluntary,
1:52.9

1:54.2
particle physics is finished,
1:54.2

1:55.5
and a successful Theory Of Everything
1:55.5

1:57.4
unites General Relativity and Quantum Mechanics.
1:57.7

1:58.7
[Cough] CALLED STRING THEORY.
1:58.8

2:00.7
The origin of Biology is understood,
2:00.7

2:02.7
toast no longer falls butter side down,
2:02.7

2:04.4
consciousness is explained scientifically,
2:04.4

2:06.9
the mechanisms of reality itself are now out in the open,
2:06.9

2:09.6
and your race is no longer a bumbling pack of confused idiots.
2:10.0

2:10.5
Nnnnno offense!
2:11.0

2:12.6
Then there's Ecological Utopia,
2:12.8

2:14.6
Your species begins living in harmony with nature,
2:14.6

2:16.0
stops being dicks to the planet,
2:16.0

2:17.9
and returns to a subsistent way of living,
2:17.9

2:19.3
in conjunction with high technology.
2:19.3

2:21.5
Industry still exists but is entirely sustainable,
2:21.5

2:24.2
and Mother Nature is allowed to reassert Her sovereignty over the planet.
2:24.2

2:25.5
Everything is kind of organic,
2:25.5

2:26.6
but not shit and hipster-y;
2:26.8

2:27.3
just
2:27.3

2:27.8
nice.
2:28.2

2:29.2
Political Utopia.
2:29.3

2:31.1
Political conflict is rendered pointless
2:31.1

2:33.8
and Citizens never have to worry about their offspring ending up in wars.
2:33.8

2:37.4
Governments are able to put their energy and influence into improving the Welfare of their own citizens
2:37.6

2:39.6
And the World goes full on Scandinavian.
2:40.0

2:42.2
Oh, yeah, cake is free all the time and also there are dogs.
2:42.4

2:44.0
And finally, the main prize;
2:44.2

2:45.5
Galactic Utopia.
2:45.7

2:47.6
You begin colonizing other planets in the solar system,
2:47.6

2:49.7
and maybe even perfect faster-than-light travel.
2:49.9

2:51.6
And colonise other star systems too.
2:51.9

2:54.0
Even if there's an extinction event on your home planet
2:54.0

2:55.7
your race will now survive indefinitely,
2:55.7

2:57.4
up until all cosmic Resources run out
2:57.4

2:59.8
or you've reversed Cosmic Entropy itself.
3:00.0

3:02.6
The golden age of trade and cooperation dawns,
3:02.6

3:05.2
as well as exploration of the known and unknown Universe,
3:05.2

3:07.5
and Humanity is unified into a single great empire.
3:07.6

3:09.9
Humans finally take their rightful place in the heavens,
3:09.9

3:12.1
utilizing entire Galaxies for energy,
3:12.1

3:13.5
to fuel their godlike projects.
3:13.5

3:16.0
Knowledge and wisdom guides your civilization forevermore,
3:16.0

3:18.1
petty squabbles are a thing of the past,
3:18.1

3:20.9
the very Cosmos itself revels in success.
3:20.9

3:25.8
[Uplifting Orchestral Music]
3:25.8

3:27.9
It goes without saying that there's free cake and dogs and stuff.
3:28.1

3:28.6
BUT
3:28.6

3:30.3
For every Utopia there is, of course,
3:30.4

3:31.1
a Dystopia.
3:31.2

3:32.6
And if you bollocks up the future,
3:32.6

3:33.9
you might instead get
3:34.3

3:35.6
[Sad Music] Technological Dystopia
3:35.8

3:38.3
Technology is instead used for controlling populations
3:38.3

3:40.8
including constant surveillance and mass missinformation.
3:40.9

3:43.3
Noone is considered an authority on anything anymore,
3:43.3

3:46.4
possibly humans are genetically engineered in such a way that they cease to be human,
3:46.4

3:48.7
or most of their functions are outperformed by machines.
3:48.9

3:49.8
Humans are obsolete,
3:49.9

3:50.5
and miserable,
3:50.7

3:53.8
and technology serves to enslave rather than liberate your species.
3:54.1

3:55.2
AI Dystopia.
3:55.3

3:58.5
Artificial Intelligence either commandeers or subverts human history,
3:58.5

4:00.6
does not have the species' best interests at heart,
4:00.6

4:02.9
or is too powerful with not enough safety parameters.
4:03.1

4:04.9
In short, Everything is either miserable,
4:05.0

4:05.9
or Thermonuclear,
4:06.0

4:08.0
and Game Over for the entire species.
4:08.3

4:09.6
Ecological Dystopia.
4:09.9

4:12.0
You mess up the planet to the point of no return,
4:12.0

4:13.3
overfish the oceans,
4:13.3

4:14.3
ruin the atmosphere
4:14.3

4:14.8
etcetera.
4:14.9

4:17.8
Earth is no longer capable of supporting mammalian life,
4:17.8

4:20.0
and extionction ensues for your entire species.
4:20.4

4:21.4
Political Dystopia.
4:21.7

4:24.5
Either Earth becomes united by a single tyrannical government,
4:24.5

4:26.2
or most governments turn tyrannical,
4:26.2

4:27.8
but in any case, it's horrific,
4:27.8

4:30.0
and politic-ing has been perfected in such an extent
4:30.0

4:31.7
that no one can effectively rise up against it.
4:31.8

4:32.9
Possible lasting famine,
4:33.1

4:34.1
enslavement,
4:34.3

4:36.3
utter depvavity and ruin for the species,
4:36.3

4:37.4
with no hope of recovering.
4:37.8

4:39.5
Or the non-galactic scenario.
4:39.7

4:41.5
Humans never bother with reaching other planets,
4:41.5

4:42.9
let alone rest of the galaxy.
4:43.1

4:46.5
A single mass extinction means total obliteration for silly petrol monkeys,
4:46.5

4:48.9
and a human space-empire is never constructed.
4:49.3

4:51.7
Mankind goes gentle into that good night.
4:52.0

4:53.6
Wild animals reclaim the cities,
4:53.6

4:54.9
satelites fall back to Earth,
4:55.2

4:56.5
and within a few thousand years
4:56.7

5:00.8
passing extraterrestials wouldn't even have an inkling your species ever existed,
5:00.8

5:01.9
let alone flourished.
5:01.9

5:02.6
for a time.
5:03.5

5:05.5
And there are a few other scenarios, of course.
5:05.9

5:08.5
[Orchestral music] Maybe you merge with technology to become a cyber species,
5:08.5

5:10.2
or there's a Nickelback Revival Tour,
5:10.2

5:13.3
or Political Collapse returning you to the dark ages and never recovering,
5:13.3

5:16.8
or you use genetics to elevate other species to the level of human sentience,
5:16.8

5:18.3
and immediately regret that decision;
5:18.3

5:20.0
[Music stops abruptly] Dolphins fucking hate you, by the way.
5:20.0

5:20.5
[Music resumes]
5:20.5

5:23.3
Or you create simulated reality that's so convincing and malleable,
5:23.3

5:25.3
that humans mostly lose interest in actual reality.
5:25.6

5:27.2
Assuming this is actual reality.
5:27.4

5:28.8
Or you reach the end of technology
5:28.8

5:30.6
and find out that lots of stuff just isn't possible.
5:30.6

5:32.6
And instead stay content with free cake
5:32.6

5:33.4
and dogs, and stuff.
5:34.3

5:34.8
Which is alright.
5:35.2

5:37.5
Or one of ten million other disaster scenarios;
5:37.5

5:38.0
economic,
5:38.0

5:38.7
political,
5:38.7

5:39.6
technological,
5:39.6

5:40.2
whatever,
5:40.2

5:42.5
meaning the obliteration of your species.
5:42.7

5:43.9
And that is the
5:43.9

5:44.4
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
5:44.4

5:45.5
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL of future history.
5:45.7

5:47.2
And those are the rules.
5:47.6

5:49.6
So how do you go about winning, then?
5:50.1

5:50.8
Well,
5:50.8

5:52.6
that's a bit more complicated.
5:52.9

5:53.4
[Slow, uplifting Music]
5:53.7

5:56.7
If you can wield technology your ancestors never dreamt of,
5:56.7

5:58.6
and use that Power, in a way they would be proud.
5:59.1

6:01.5
If you can utilize your birth planet without destroying it,
6:01.5

6:03.0
yet still take all that you need.
6:03.4

6:05.4
If you can kill labor, without killing ambition.
6:05.6

6:08.5
If you can create administrations without giving birth to tyranny.
6:08.5

6:11.5
If you can think as a collective without losing individuality.
6:11.5

6:14.7
If you can expand your reach, without diminishing your integrity.
6:14.7

6:18.1
If you can unravel nature, without thinking yourself smarter than her.
6:18.1

6:20.4
If you can tame the elements without subverting them.
6:20.4

6:25.0
If you can build your homes on distant Worlds, while still taking care of the home you evolved on.
6:25.0

6:29.3
If you can safeguard for future generations, without forgetting those who came before.
6:29.3

6:33.4
If you can accept your violent past while still fostering your galactic future.
6:33.4

6:37.3
If you can spread across the stars, without your empire spreading too thin.
6:37.3

6:40.8
If you can take to the galactic stage without forgetting your lines,
6:40.8

6:43.7
then yours is the Cosmos, and Everything that's in it.
6:45.4

6:46.4
And more than that,
6:47.9

6:49.9
then you'll be a Mankind, my son.
6:50.9

6:52.7
Then you'll be a Mankind.
6:55.4

6:55.9
Well,
6:56.0

6:56.6
it's time.
6:57.0

6:57.7
Margery,
6:57.7

6:58.8
spin the Wheel, please.
6:59.3

6:59.8
So,
6:59.9

7:00.4
good luck.
7:00.8

7:03.4
It's been an absolute pleasure watching you develop as a species.
7:03.5

7:04.0
I guess.
7:04.1

7:07.2
And y'now, petrol monkeys, you've done some pretty stupid shit over the years
7:07.2

7:07.7
but,
7:07.7

7:09.0
there is cause for optimism.
7:09.1

7:10.9
Because despite all of your idiocy,
7:10.9

7:13.1
you still somehow managed to find the time
7:13.3

7:13.8
for
7:15.1

7:15.6
[Tentacle without Octo-Moist]
7:17.8

7:19.6
[WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL starts Wheeling]
7:19.6

7:20.5
Exploration,
7:20.5

7:21.1
Science,
7:21.1

7:22.0
Technology,
7:22.0

7:22.6
Culture,
7:22.6

7:23.4
Civilization,
7:23.4

7:24.2
Philanthropy,
7:24.2

7:24.9
Fiction,
7:24.9

7:25.7
Genius,
7:25.7

7:26.4
Collaboration,
7:26.4

7:27.0
Language,
7:27.0

7:27.7
The Arts,
7:27.7

7:28.3
Endeavour,
7:28.3

7:29.2
Curiosity,
7:29.2

7:29.7
Daring,
7:29.7

7:30.4
Persistence,
7:30.4

7:31.3
and Rationality.
7:31.5

7:32.0
Look;
7:32.1

7:33.9
You've survived hundreds of thousands of generations,
7:34.0

7:34.5
Yeah?
7:34.5

7:35.0
Famine,
7:35.0

7:35.5
Drought,
7:35.5

7:36.1
And war.
7:36.1

7:37.8
You got a global civilization now.
7:37.9

7:39.7
You might be living on other planets in no time,
7:39.7

7:41.7
or cracking the really big secrets of Nature,
7:41.7

7:44.1
or just getting over all of your monkey rubbish and having a good time.
7:44.2

7:45.5
You're gonna feel mighty silly
7:45.5

7:46.4
if you screw it all up
7:46.4

7:47.5
Because you got too clever,
7:47.5

7:48.5
too fighty
7:48.5

7:49.5
or too apathetic.
7:49.7

7:50.6
What do you think those are!?
7:50.7

7:51.8
They're not window dressing;
7:51.8

7:52.7
they're an invitation,
7:52.7

7:54.4
and you have to behave yourself until you get there,
7:54.4

7:54.9
alright?
7:55.1

7:56.9
For the sake of everyone who came before,
7:57.0

7:58.5
and everyone who will come after,
7:58.5

8:00.2
there may not be Another chance now.
8:00.2

8:01.6
Don't fuck it up, monkeys!
8:01.9

8:04.4
Not before you conquer your primitive tendencies;
8:04.4

8:06.1
Not before you spread out into space;
8:06.2

8:07.4
or at the very least,
8:07.4

8:09.3
not before all your great ambitions
8:09.5

8:10.0
have finally
8:10.6

8:11.3
run dry.
8:12.1

8:13.3
[Du]
8:13.8

8:14.7
[Du]
8:15.1

8:16.1
[Du]
8:16.6

8:17.3
[Du]
8:18.5

8:20.1
[Duuuuuuuuu]
8:20.1

8:21.0
And speaking of dryness
8:21.0

8:23.5
Wheel Of Future History is proudly sponsored by Octo-Moist
8:23.5

8:29.4
[Overture]
8:29.4

8:29.9
Mystery link!?
8:29.9

8:43.4
[Overture]
Language: English Location: Hungary Restricted Mode: Off History Help
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Transcript


00:00
Are you worried about the future?
00:01
Are you concerned for your species' survival?
00:03
Are your tentacles lacking wetness, or even chapping slightly?
00:07
Well for the last one, try Octo-moist.
00:09
Octo-moist.
00:10
Moistness when it matters.
00:12
*octo-jingle plays*
00:14
Not suitable for heptapods.
00:16
For the first two though, well, it's time to play another game of...
00:19
wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel
00:20
of Future History.
00:22
Our next contestant today is called-
00:23
*aside* fuck are they called?
00:24
Ah yes, Hu-mans. Yes, well, come on up then, don't be shy.
00:29
Yes, big hand for the Monkeys. Big hand.
00:32
Yes, that's enough, shut up.
00:34
Right, hu-mans.
00:35
You know the rules of the game do you?
00:37
No? Well the main aim of
00:38
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeel
00:39
of Future History is...
00:41
Not to go extinct as a species.
00:43
Your species, well, let's just say things are about to get a little bit bumpy.
00:47
Now Margery here- MARGERY WAKE UP YOU LEPTON
00:50
Is going to give the wheel of Future History a spin and find out where the human species is going.
00:55
Could be amazing.
00:56
Could be mega shit. So let's see what you could end up winning.
00:58
Well firstly there are the utopias
01:00
They come in several flavors, there is:
01:03
Technological utopia. You might master automation, relieving all humans of labor jobs, banishing any need for human employment allowing your species to,
01:10
well, pursue whatever they want to.
01:12
Robotics and algorithms will tend to almost all unwanted work and facilitate blissful daily living.
01:16
Since there'll be no scarcity there will be almost no conflict
01:18
Meaning war vanishes, and humans live perpetually in peace forevermore mostly eating nice food,
01:23
Reproducing very loudly, and having a jolly old time.
01:26
Okay, I hear you ask. But will there be dogs?
01:30
Yes. There will.
01:31
There's also AI utopia. machine intelligence is able to assist if not take over a number of human projects including science, design,
01:38
administration, and diplomacy. And streamlines and improves each area respectively,
01:41
and radically raises the general global standard of human living for all-
01:44
and no Skynet shit.
01:46
There's also scientific utopia: aging is treated as an illness and cured. Disease has also been eradicated
01:51
Death has become voluntary, particle physics is finished, and a successful theory of everything unites general relativity and quantum mechanics
01:57
(called string theory). The origin of biology is understood. Toast no longer falls butter side down
02:02
Consciousnesses explained scientifically.
02:04
The mechanisms of reality itself are now out in the open, and your race is no longer a bumbling pack of confused idiots.
02:09
No offense.
02:10
Then there's ecological utopia: your species begins living in harmony with nature,
02:14
Stops being dicks to the planet, and returns to a subsistence way of living in conjunction with high technology.
02:19
Industry still exists but is entirely sustainable,
02:21
And Mother Nature is allowed to reassert her sovereignty over the planet.
02:24
Everything is kind of organic
02:25
But not shit and hipstery, just... nice
02:28
Political utopia: political conflict is rendered pointless and citizens never have to worry about their offspring ending up in Wars
02:33
Governments are able to put their energy and influence into improving the welfare of their own citizens and the world goes full-on Scandinavian
02:39
Oh, yeah
02:40
Cake is free all the time and also there are dogs.
02:42
And finally the main prize,
02:43
Galactic utopia.
02:45
You begin colonizing other planets in the solar system
02:47
And maybe even perfect faster-than-light travel and colonize other star systems, too.
02:51
Even if there's an extinction event on your home planet, your race will now survive indefinitely
02:55
Up until all cosmic resources run out or you reverse cosmic entropy itself.
02:59
The golden age of trade and cooperation dawns,
03:02
As well as exploration of the known and unknown universe, and humanity is unified into a single great empire.
03:07
Humans finally take their rightful place in the heavens,
03:10
utilizing entire galaxies for energy to fuel their godlike projects.
03:13
Knowledge and wisdom guide your civilization forever more,
03:16
Petty squabbles are a thing of the past, the very cosmos itself revels in your success.
03:25
It goes without saying that there's free cake and dogs and stuff.
03:27
But, for every utopia there is of course a dystopia
03:31
And if you bollocks up the future you might instead get
03:34
Technological dystopia: technology is instead used for controlling populations including constant surveillance and mass misinformation.
03:40
No, one is considered an authority on anything anymore.
03:43
Possibly humans are genetically engineered in such a way that they cease to be human or most of their functions are outperformed by machines.
03:48
Humans are obsolete and miserable and technology serves to enslave rather than liberate your species.
03:54
AI dystopia: Artificial intelligence either commandeers or subverts human history and does not have the species best interests at heart,
04:00
Or is too powerful with not enough safety parameters. In short, everything is either miserable or thermonuclear and game over for the entire species.
04:08
Ecological dystopia: you mess up the planet to the point of no return, over fish the oceans, ruin the atmosphere, etc.
04:14
Earth is no longer capable of supporting mammalian life, and extinction ensues for your entire species.
04:20
Political dystopia: either earth becomes united by a single tyrannical government or most governments turn tyrannical.
04:25
But in any case, it's horrific, and politicking has been perfected to such an extent that no one can effectively rise up against it.
04:31
Possible lasting famine, enslavement, utter depravity and ruin for the species with no hope of recovery.
04:37
Or the non galactic scenario:
04:39
Humans never bothered with reaching other planets let alone the rest of the galaxy.
04:43
A single mass extinction means total obliteration for silly petrol monkeys,
04:46
and a human space Empire is never constructed.
04:49
Mankind goes gentle into that good night.
04:51
Wild animals reclaim the cities,
04:53
Satellites fall back to earth, and within a few thousand years,
04:56
Passing extraterrestrials wouldn't even have an inkling your species ever existed, let alone flourished for a time.
05:03
And there are a few other scenarios of course.
05:05
Maybe you merge with technology to become a cyber species
05:08
Or there's a Nickleback revival tour,
05:10
Or political collapse returning you to the dark ages and never recovering,
05:13
Or you use genetics to elevate other species to the level of human sentience and immediately regret that decision,
05:18
(Dolphins fucking hate you by the way.)
05:20
Or you create simulated reality that's so convincing and malleable, humans mostly lose interest in actual reality
05:25
Assuming this is actual reality.
05:27
Or you reach the end of Technology and find out the lots of stuff just isn't possible,
05:30
And instead stay content with free cake, and dogs and stuff,
05:33
Which is alright.
05:35
Or one of 10 million other disaster scenarios. Economic, political, technological, whatever.
05:39
Meaning the obliteration of your species.
05:42
And that is the wheeeeeel of future history.
05:45
And those are the rules.
05:47
So how do you go about winning, then?
05:50
Well, that's a bit more complicated.
05:53
If you can wield technology your ancestors never dreamt of and use that power in a way they would be proud;
05:58
If you can utilize your birth planet without destroying it, yet still take all that you need;
06:02
If you can kill labor without killing ambition;
06:05
If you can create administrations without giving birth to tyranny;
06:08
If you can think as a collective without losing individuality;
06:11
If you can expand your reach without diminishing your integrity;
06:14
If you can unravel nature without thinking yourself smarter than her;
06:18
If you contain the elements without subverting them;
06:20
If you can build your homes on distant worlds while still taking care of the home you evolved on;
06:24
If you can safeguard for future generations without forgetting those who came before;
06:29
If you can accept your violent pasts while still fostering your galactic future;
06:33
If you can spread across the Stars without your empire spreading too thin;
06:37
If you can take to the Galactic stage without forgetting your lines;
06:40
Then yours is the cosmos, and everything that's in it.
06:45
And more than that,
06:47
Then you'll be a mankind my son.
06:50
Then you'll be a mankind.
06:55
Well, it's time.
06:56
Marjorie, spin the wheel please.
06:59
So good luck. It's been an absolute pleasure watching you develop as a species, I guess.
07:04
And you know petrol monkeys,
07:05
You've done some pretty stupid shit over the years, but there is cause for optimism. Because despite all of your idiocy,
07:10
you've still somehow managed to find the time for...
07:19
Exploration,
07:20
science,
07:21
technology,
07:21
culture,
07:22
civilization,
07:23
philanthropy,
07:24
fiction,
07:24
genius,
07:25
collaboration,
07:26
language,
07:27
the arts,
07:27
endeavor,
07:28
curiosity,
07:28
daring,
07:29
persistence, and rationality.
07:31
Look, you've survived hundreds of thousands of generations, yeah?
07:34
Famine, drought, and war. And you've got a global civilization now.
07:37
You might be living on other planets in no time, or cracking the really big secrets of nature,
07:41
Or just getting over all your monkey rubbish and having a good time.
07:43
You're gonna feel mighty silly if you screw it all up because you got too clever, or too fighty, or too apathetic.
07:49
What do you think those are? They're not window dressing, they're an invitation.
07:52
But you have to behave yourself until you get there, all right?
07:55
For the sake of everyone who came before and everyone who will come after, there may not be another chance now.
07:59
Don't fuck it up, monkeys.
08:01
Not before you conquer your primitive tendencies,
08:04
Not before you spread out into space,
08:06
Or at the very least,
08:07
Not before all your great ambitions have finally run dry.
08:20
And speaking of dryness, Wheel of Future History is proudly sponsored by octo-moi-
08:23
*cuts off*


Transcript


00:00
Are you worried about the future?
00:01
Are you concerned for your species' survival?
00:04
Are your tentacle lacking wetness, or even chapping slightly?
00:07
Well, for the last one, try Octo-Moist!
00:09

00:09
Octo-Moist ™
00:10
Moistness when it matters.
00:12
[Do-du-du-du, DU-DU-DU.]
00:14
Not suitable for Heptopods.
00:16
For the first two, though, well, it's time to play another game of
00:19
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
00:21
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL of future history!
00:21
Our next contestant today is called--
00:23
[Off-Microphone] The fuck are they called!?
00:25
Ah, yes;
00:25
HU-MANS.
00:26
Yes;
00:27
Well, come on up then, don't be shy!
00:29
Yes;
00:30
Big hand for the monkeys; big hand
00:32
YES, THAT'S ENOUGH, SHUTUP!
00:34
Right,
00:34
HU-MANS,
00:35
You know the rules of the game, do you?
00:37
No?
00:37
Well the main aim of
00:38
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
00:40
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL of future history
00:40
Is
00:41
[Sad Piano] Not to go extinct as a species.
00:43
Your species,
00:44
well, let's just say things are about to get a little bit bumpy.
00:47
Now, Margery here--
00:48
MARGERY WAKE YOU LEPTON
00:50
[Eye Squeeze]
00:51
Is going to give the
00:51
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
00:52
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL of future history a spin
00:53
to find out where the human species is going.
00:55
Could be amazing,
00:56
coud be mega-shit,
00:57
so let's see what you could end up winning.
00:59
Well, firstly, there are the Utopias.
01:01
They come in several flavours,
01:02
there is
01:03
Technological Utopia.
01:05
You might master automation, relieving all humans of labor jobs,
01:07
banishing any need for human employment,
01:09
allowing your species to,
01:10
well,
01:11
pursue whatever they want to.
01:12
Robotics and algorithms will tend to almost all unwanted work
01:15
and facilitate blissful daily living.
01:16
Since there will be no scarcity there will be almost no conflict,
01:19
meaning war vanishes
01:20
and humans live perpetually in peace forevermore.
01:22
Mostly eating nice food,
01:23
reproducing very loudly
01:24
and having a Jolly ol' time.
01:26
"OKAY,"
01:27
I hear you ask,
01:28
"but will there be dogs?"
01:30
Yes.
01:31
There will.
01:31
There's also AI Utopia:
01:33
Machine intelligence is able to assist,
01:34
if not take over
01:35
a number of human projects,
01:36
including science,
01:37
design,
01:38
administration
01:38
and diplomacy,
01:39
streamlines and improves each are respectively,
01:41
and radically raises the general global standard of human living for all of--
01:44
AND NO SKYNET-SHIT.
01:46
There's also
01:47
Scientific Utopia
01:48
Aging is treated as an illness and cured,
01:50
disease has also been eradicated.
01:51
Death has become voluntary,
01:52
particle physics is finished,
01:54
and a successful Theory Of Everything
01:55
unites General Relativity and Quantum Mechanics.
01:57
[Cough] CALLED STRING THEORY.
01:58
The origin of Biology is understood,
02:00
toast no longer falls butter side down,
02:02
consciousness is explained scientifically,
02:04
the mechanisms of reality itself are now out in the open,
02:06
and your race is no longer a bimbling pack of confused idiots.
02:10
Nnnnno offense!
02:11
Then there's Ecological Utopia,
02:12
Your species begins living in harmony with nature,
02:14
stops being dicks to the planet,
02:16
and returns to a subsistent way of living,
02:17
in conjunction with high technology.
02:19
Insdustry still exists but is entirely sustainable,
02:21
and Mother Nature is allowed to reassert Her sovereignty over the planet.
02:24
Everything is kind of organic,
02:25
but not shit and hipster-y;
02:26
just
02:27
nice.
02:28
Political Utopia.
02:29
Political conflict is rendered pointless
02:31
and Citizens never have to worry about their offspring ending up in wars.
02:33
Governments are a to put their energy and influence into improving the Welfare of their existence
02:37
And the World goes full on Scandinavian.
02:40
Oh, yeah, cake is free all the time and also there are dogs.
02:42
And finally, the main prize;
02:44
Galactic Utopia.
02:45
You begin colonizing other planets in the solar system,
02:47
and maybe even perfect faster-than-light travel.
02:49
And colonise other star systems too.
02:51
Even if there's an extinction event on your home planet
02:54
your race will now survive indefinitely,
02:55
up until all cosmic Resources run out
02:57
or you've reversed Cosmic Entropy itself.
03:00
The golden age of trade and cooperation dawns,
03:02
as well as exploration of the known and unknown Universe,
03:05
and Humanity is unified into a single great empire.
03:07
Humans finally take their rightful place in the heavens,
03:09
utilizing entire Galaxies for energy,
03:12
to fuel their godlike projects.
03:13
Knowledge and wisdom guides your civilization forevermore,
03:16
petty squabbles are a thing of the past,
03:18
the very Cosmos itself revels in success.
03:20
[Uplifting Orchestral Music]
03:25
It goes without saying that there's free cake and dogs and stuff.
03:28
BUT
03:28
For every Utopia there is, of course,
03:30
a Dystopia.
03:31
And if you bollocks up the future,
03:32
you might instead get
03:34
[Sad Music] Technological Dystopia
03:35
Technology is instead used for controlling populations
03:38
including constant surveillance and mass missinformation.
03:40
Noone is considered an authority on anything anymore,
03:43
possibly humans are genetically engineered in such a way that they cease to be human,
03:46
or most of their functions are outperformed by machines.
03:48
Humans are obsolete,
03:49
and miserable,
03:50
and technology serves to enslave rather than liberate your species.
03:54
AI Dystopia.
03:55
Artificial Intelligence either commandeers or subverts human history,
03:58
does not have the species' best interests at heart,
04:00
or is too powerful with not enough safety parameters.
04:03
In short, Everything is either miserable,
04:05
or Thermonuclear,
04:06
and Game Over for the entire species.
04:08
Ecological Utopia.
04:09
You mess up the planet to the point of no return,
04:12
overfish the oceans,
04:13
ruin the atmosphere
04:14
etc. (et-eh-cuh, et-eh-cuh.)
04:14
Earth is no longer capable of supporting mammalian life,
04:17
and extionction ensues for your entire species.
04:20
Political Dystopia.
04:21
Either Earth becomes united by a single tyrannical government,
04:24
or m ost governments turn tyrannical,
04:26
but in any case, it's horrific,
04:27
and politic-ing has been perfected in such an extent
04:30
that noone can effectively rise up against it.
04:31
Possible lasting famine,
04:33
enslavement,
04:34
utter depvavity and ruin for the species,
04:36
with no hope of recovering.
04:37
Or the non-galactic scenario.
04:39
Humans never bother with reaching other planets,
04:41
let alone rest of the galaxy.
04:43
A single mass extinction means total obliteration for silly monkeys,
04:46
and a human space-empire is never constructed.
04:49
Mankind goes gentle into that good night.
04:52
Wild animals reclaim the cities,
04:53
satelites fall back to Earth,
04:55
and within a few thousand years
04:56
passing extraterrestials wouldn't even have an inkling your species ever existed,
05:00
let alone flourished.
05:01
for a time.
05:03
And there are a few other scenarios, of course.
05:05
[Orchestral music] Maybe you merge with technology to become a cyber species,
05:08
or there's a Nickelback Revival Tour,
05:10
or Political Collapse returning you to the dark ages and never recovering,
05:13
or you use genetics to elevate other species to the level of human sentience,
05:16
and immediately regret that decision;
05:18
[Music stops abruptly] Dolphins fucking hate you, by the way.
05:20
[Music resumes]
05:20
Or you create simulated reality that's so convincing and malleable,
05:23
that humans mostly loose interest in actual reality.
05:25
Assuming this is actual reality.
05:27
Or you reach the end of technology
05:28
and find out that lots of stuff just isn't possible.
05:30
And instead stay content with free cake
05:32
and dogs, and stuff.
05:34
Which is alright.
05:35
Or one of ten million other disaster scenarios;
05:37
economic,
05:38
political,
05:38
technological,
05:39
whatever,
05:40
meaning the obliteration of your species.
05:42
And that is the
05:43
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
05:44
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL of future history.
05:45
And those are the rules.
05:47
So how do you go about winning, then?
05:50
Well,
05:50
that's a bit more complicated.
05:52
[Slow, uplifting Music]
05:53
If you can wield technology your ancestors never dreamt of,
05:56
and use that Power, in a way they would be proud.
05:59
If you can utilize your birth planet without destroying it,
06:01
yet still take all that you need.
06:03
If you can kill labor, without killing ambition.
06:05
If you can create administrations without giving birth to tyranny.
06:08
If you can think as a collective without losing individuality.
06:11
If you can expand your reach, without diminishing your integrity.
06:14
If you can unravel nature, without thinking yourself smarter than her.
06:18
If you can tame the elements without subverting them.
06:20
If you can build your homes on distant Worlds, while still taking care of the home you evolved on.
06:25
If you can safeguard for future generations, without forgetting those who came before.
06:29
If you can accept your violent past while still fostering your galactic future.
06:33
If you can spread across the stars, without your empire spreading too thin.
06:37
If you can take to the galactic stage without forgetting your lines,
06:40
then yours is the Cosmos, and Everything that's in it.
06:45
And more than that,
06:47
then you'll be a Mankind, my son.
06:50
Then you'll be a Mankind.
06:55
Well,
06:56
it's time.
06:57
Margery,
06:57
spin the Wheel, please.
06:59
So,
06:59
good luck.
07:00
It's been an absolute pleasure watching you develop as a species.
07:03
I guess.
07:04
And y'now, monkeys, you've done some pretty stupid shit over the years
07:07
but,
07:07
there is cause for optimism.
07:09
Because despite all of your idiocy,
07:10
you still somehow managed to find the time
07:13
for
07:15
[Tentacle without Octo-Moist]
07:17
[WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL starts Wheeling]
07:19
Exploration,
07:20
Science,
07:21
Technology,
07:22
Culture,
07:22
Civilization,
07:23
Philanthropy,
07:24
Fiction,
07:24
Genius,
07:25
Collaboration,
07:26
Language,
07:27
The Arts,
07:27
Endeavour,
07:28
Curiosity,
07:29
Daring,
07:29
Persistence,
07:30
and Rationality.
07:31
Look;
07:32
You've survived hundereds of thousands of generations,
07:34
Yeah?
07:34
Famine,
07:35
Drought,
07:35
And war.
07:36
You got a global civilization now.
07:37
You might be living on other planets in no time,
07:39
or cracking the really big secrets of Nature,
07:41
or just getting over all of your monkey rubbish and having a good time.
07:44
You're gonna feel mighty silly
07:45
if you screw it all up
07:46
Because you got too clever,
07:47
too fighty
07:48
or too apathetic.
07:49
What do you think those are!?
07:50
They're not window dressing;
07:51
they're an invitation,
07:52
and you have to behave yourself until you get there,
07:54
alright?
07:55
For the sake of everyone who came before,
07:57
and everyone who will come after,
07:58
there may not be Another chance now.
08:00
Don't fuck it up, monkeys!
08:01
Not before you conquer your primitive tendencies;
08:04
Not before you spread out into space;
08:06
or at the very least,
08:07
not before all your great ambitions
08:09
have finally
08:10
run dry.
08:12
[Du]
08:13
[Du]
08:15
[Du]
08:16
[Du]
08:18
[Duuuuuuuuu]
08:20
And speaking of dryness
08:21
Wheel Of Future History is proudly sponsored by Octo-Moist
08:23
[Overture]
08:29
Mystery link!?
08:29
[Overture]
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Re: YouTube Community contributions going away soon — They will be discontinued across all channels after September 28,

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